And So it Begins

Most People are probably used to hearing me say the phrase "don't judge me." Well, i am changing it a little bit here. Go ahead and judge me if you feel the need because i have given in and here i am, blogging. Oh my. I usually don't do this and i usually hate people knowing what is going on inside my head, but i have been feeling the need to write about things lately, and i don't plan on being super open over the internet so i think i am good for now. 

Well i must say college is not what i thought it would be at all. In ways i love it. In many more ways i absolutely hate it. I am pretty sure that much of what i hate will fade soon, at least i pray that it will. I have yet to make any friends. That certainly surprised me. I knew i could be somewhat shy and reserved at times, but i didn't really think i would be that way now. About half way through my junior year i was much less concerned about what other people thought about me, and in that became much more outgoing. That only increased once i hit senior year. In my head i knew making friends was not going to be a piece of cake, but i was not prepared at all for what i was in store for. I suddenly was the most timid person on campus. People here are nice enough and especially during welcome week i was introduced to a lot of people, but something in me completely prevented me from being able to even speak to these people. It really took me off guard, not only the fact that it seemed impossible to make friends of any kind, but also the fact that i was some person i didn't even recognize. I still don't really speak unless spoken to. I am a little better about it these days, but i am realizing i am simply not the person i thought i was. College has been testing me from the drive up here. I have had a rough start with college life, and it goes way deeper than not being able to make any friends. I have been pushed to new limits and reached new levels i never thought i would. I am at the point now where i am trying to figure out what the purpose of all of this is. I know i have been dealing with the stuff i have had to deal with for no reason, God has a plan. He has proven himself faithful to me in one big area! That has been awesome for sure, but what is He teaching me through all of this. I know my struggles are far from gone, i am reminded of that a lot lately, but what is the big picture? That's where i am now, trying to figure out why God has me here. Why am i at OBU? Why has this transition been so hard? Why have i been struggling with what i have been? Why is it not completely gone? Why am i being forced to wait it out? What is God trying to show me through this process? What do i take from this when i come out the other end? I am in an interesting place with these questions right now. I am learning to not be bitter about my experiences because everything truly does work for the greater good. I am learning that even in the darkest things God is glorified. I am learning that these things are part of my testimony, no matter how scary that thought may be. I am learning that God is sufficient. These lessons are hard, and there are a lot of moments in which i wish there was nothing going on in my life... but if it glorifies God in the end then i can be patient and endure... well i pray that i can be :). And so it begins...